Could I give you, what you want ?
by mcabby80
Summary: Set after the season 3 Christmas Special. Jimmy tries to reveal his true feelings for Thomas after they decided to become friends... This is only a short story - it was supposed to be a one-shot, but got a bit longer. Rated M for a reason. :0) Please be kind, English is not my first language...
1. Chapter 1

Jimmy closed the door behind him, as he left Thomas' room.

Their conversation had flustered him to his bones...

After the beating, Thomas'd taken for him, he had decided visiting Thomas to see if he was ok.

And to apologise for running off.

Finally, they agreed to be friends which felt absolutely awkward to Jimmy.

There was a tension between them, he couldn't deny – though he wanted to so much.

He has always been trying to make himself believe that Mr. Barrow was a disgusting creep who just

wanted to play out his strange abnormal desires.

But now, he got the proof of what he'd probably known deep down inside all along – Thomas Barrow was_ in love_ with him.

He got into a fight he'd never had the chance to win, just to save him.

Though Jimmy had been treating him so badly, and would never love him back...

There was a whirl of emotions in Jimmys stomach. Guilt – definately! Pity – absolutely!

This poor man, lying in his bed with all the bruises that were meant for him...

Jimmy closed his eyes, wanting to banish the image of Barrows face contorted with pain.

Still, there were feelings left unrevealed.

A flutter in his stomach when Barrow looked at him in a special way, a trembling of his heart

as soon as he came too close...

It wasn't just discomfort, it was something, that scared him.

Realising that it were _his feelings_, that frightened him and not Thomas, was almost unbearable.

Lying in his bed that evening, he couldn't find sleep.

Every time he nearly dozed off, pictures of Barrow came to his mind.

Thomas sneaking into his room, Thomas leaning over him, the sensation of his lips on his own...the moment when he realised that it actually was Barrow...and then Alfreds voice that eventually made him shout out and reject Thomas, even throw him out of his room..

Barrows face, shattered, heartbroken...

Jimmy moaned, rolling around in his bed. What had he done to Thomas? And what had Thomas done to him? Questions were running through his mind, questions with no answers...or did he just not dare to face the answers?!

* * *

The next day, Jimmy went to Thomas' room again. It was more than a duty, it was _need. _

He couldn't help it.

„Hello Mr. Barrow" Jimmy was fidgeting with his fingers, still standing in the middle of the room.

„How are you today?" Jimmy watched his face and swallowed hard, this feeling just wouldn't go away.

„James, I'm glad to see you, take a seat. Thank you, I'm getting better...could you give me a cigarette, I'm dying for a smoke!"

He chuckled, his blue eyes shining, _ too bright … _Jimmy thought..._too bright!_

„Sure...can I have one as well?"

„Alright, help yourself..."

Jimmys hands were slightly shaking when lighting up the cigarette in his mouth - he took a drag, then handed it over to Thomas. _What a bold move... _Jimmy thought.

Thomas gave him a quizzical look, but didn't say anything. He glanced at the fag, then breathed a sigh and smoked without saying a word.

The air was fraught with tension when Thomas suddenly broke the silence.

„You know..." he said, still not looking at Jimmy „you don't have to do that... I mean come here

everyday. I know you don't have much spare time... I don't feel comfortable like that James..."

He finally looked up to see Jimmys face - it still hurt him, seeing those adorable blue eyes...

„But I want to!" he demanded with determined voice.

Thomas gave him a snarky smile.

„Come on, a few days ago you weren't even talking to me..."

„That was different! I was different then...I didn't know... I mean...things just changed, I suppose.."

Jimmy shrugged, trying to look steady and not show his excitement.

„Well, not really James, not for me. I told you I want us to be friends, and I'm trying, I really do. It's not so easy for me, as you can probably imagine... „

Their eyes met and Jimmy went crimson.

„I know Mr. Barrow, but..."

„I'm trying, that's all I can do...maybe we will just get along somehow..."

Thomas gazed out of the window, seeming to be miles away.

„Then try hard, Mr. Barrow...please!" Jimmy pleaded, his voice hoarsely.

Thomas' head whipped round in astonishment.

„What's it to _you_ anyway..." he nearly whispered it, though instantly feeling a pang of regret.

„What – did - you - say?!" Jimmy nearly screamed at Thomas, clenching his fists in anger.

„Do you think it's easy _for me_? Do you think you're the only one who's trying to cope with

strange feelings? Stop always thinking about yourself, _I _have feelings too!"

„I'm thinking about _you_ all the time Jimmy..." Thomas breathed in an almost unnoticeable voice, his head hanging down, eyes closed. „Please leave, James!"

„What...you don't mean that! You can't throw me out of your room just because this is becoming

uncomfortable. That's childish, Mr. Barrow... I want us to..."

Thomas raised his head and Jimmy thought he saw tears running down his cheek.

„I said I want you to leave, NOW!"

…...

_When you were here before_

_Couldn't look you in the eye_

_You're just like an angel_

_Your skin makes my cry_

_You float like a feather_

_In a beautiful world_

_I wish I was special_

_You're so fucking special_

_(Radiohead - Creep)_


	2. Chapter 2

Jimmy stumbled out of the room as quickly as possible. He felt like he couldn't breathe, so he ran outside, slumping down at a wall and sobbing uncontrollably.

_This won't work... _he thought. _What I did to him...it was too much, I can't fix it again..never. NEVER! He hates me. Hates me, because he loves me...but he doesn't want to love me, he knows I'm no good for him … _

Jimmy buried his face in his hands – helplessness and desperation were occupying his mind from deep inside. _I want to turn back time... _a voice from within shouted... _I would change everything, oh Thomas, I would change, not for you, but for the both of us! It's not too late, is it? Maybe it's not... oh god, it must not be too late..._

* * *

Jimmy didn't visit Thomas neither the next day nor the day after. He was afraid of Thomas and his reaction, of his own feelings - of everything!

And with every minute passing without Thomas, he felt more miserable. Jimmy knew he had to do something about it, ignoring the situation would only make things worse...if that was even possible.

Sitting in the servants hall, Jimmy was having a cup of tea, dwelling on thoughts, when Mrs. Hughes approached him.

„James, I forgot to bring you the book you wanted to borrow from Mr. Barrow..he gave it to me yesterday when I went to visit him, I'm sorry you get it only now..." Mrs. Hughes gave him an apologising look.

„What are you talking about, I didn't...what book...?" Jimmys face was all quizzical.

He held the book in his hands, „Sentimental education" by Flaubert and his heart skipped a beat, it was from _Thomas._

After dinner, Jimmy headed to his room, closed the door and lied down on his bed.

Very carefully, as if it would reveal a secret, he opened the book, slightly stoking the cover.

_From Thomas ..._

Jimmys eyes widened as he found a little folded paper between the pages.

* * *

_James, I'm sorry._

_Please forget what I said – I'm taking it back, because it's not what I meant. _

_It just came out so wrong, can you forgive me?_

* * *

With a deep sigh, he pressed the letter to his chest, his fingers trembling.

_Thomas, Thomas, Thomas … he still cares for me. Thinks about me..._

_I've got to see him, NOW! _

He imagined Thomas lying on his bed, thinking about him, waiting for him...longing for him!

_Oh god! I'm going crazy … what am I doing?!_

Finally, he took a pen and wrote an answer.

He hid the letter in the book, just like Barrow did.

Without making any sound, he sneaked through the hallway to Thomas' door, knocking quietly.

„Come in!" he heard him answer.

Inhaling deeply, he entered the room.

„James!" Thomas, sitting on his bed reading, was obviously shocked, but slapped on a

smile pretty fast.

„I'm glad you're here. Did you get...my message?"

„Mr. Barrow. I did. I just wanted to bring back your book - and see...how you're doing.

So, how are you doing?" Jimmy smiled wryly at him, hoping Barrow wouldn't notice his blushing.

„Thank you, I'm feeling much better now."

„I see. Me too. I wanted to come and see you, but ...I thought you wouldn't want me to, so..."

he shrugged.

„Oh I would've wanted you to come.." Thomas face was full of emotions, but struggling to hold them back.

Jimmy couldn't help but laugh out loud.

„ I guess so Mr. Barrow! You would have loved me to _come_, right?" he said with a wicked smile.

„James?! I beg your pardon?" Thomas' cheeks colored, his black hair hanging loose over his confused eyes.

„I just found out that I would have wanted to _come_ too..."

_OH-MY-GOD! Shut up, Jimmy, what are you saying? You're flirting – no, messing around with Mr. Barrow. Stop that shit! _

He started to giggle - feeling all bubbly inside. How could he be so brazen?! - he had no idea.

„James..." Thomas coughed, glancing at him suspiciously... „are you ...a bit drunk?"

„What? No, I'm not!" _Wait! If you put it like that..._

„Well, maybe a little bit, but don't tell anyone..." he grinned.

_What are you doing Jimmy? This is leading nowhere...is it.. Is it?!_

Actually, Jimmy indeed felt like he was squiffy – so that wasn't such a big lie after all.

He didn't exactly know what he was up to, but he would have to set the record straight about his feelings for Thomas..

_By lying and making dirty jokes... come on Jimmy! You're daft!_

„Mr. Barrow?" Jimmy finally sat down on Thomas' bed, leaning towards him.

Thomas stopped breathing for a moment, his body stiffening.

„James?"

„Does it still hurt..very much? Like...here..." he came closer, softly stroking Barrows cheek with his fingertips.

For a brief moment, he shut his eyes – it was just too much. He could feel the warmth of his body, _Thomas' body!, _lighting a fire in his own. Jimmy swallowed hard. _Now what?!_

„Or here...?" he heard himself mutter, touching his temples.

Still leaning forward, their faces were so close now, their noses almost touched. Both men's eyes met and he could see Thomas struggling with his feelings - his breathing gone heavy.

„Jimmy..." Barrow whispered „what are you doing?"

„What do you think I'm doing ?" he mumbled, his eyes staring at Thomas' tantalising red lips.

„I think you're drunk and doing something you' ll definately regret in the morning..."

Sadness covered Thomas' face – it wouldn't be right, he knew it, though he wanted Jimmy so much it hurt him to no end.

„I won't regret anything!"

„Believe me, you will..."

„Why? Are you such a bad kisser?" Jimmy murmured in his ear, his lips slightly brushing his skin.

Thomas' mouth fell open.

„Jimmy, please, I can't take that anymore...stop it!"

„No." He planted little kisses down Thomas' neck, tasting the delicious flavour of his skin.

_Oh my god! This is heaven...this man is heaven. What am I doing, should I stop, I can't I won't..._

Jimmy finally cupped Thomas' face with both hands, his heart racing madly – _I won't let him stop me! - _and eventually their lips melted together, so gently, like a beat of a butterfly's wing. He felt Thomas' breath caressing his face - and with those soft inviting lips on his, he knew he would do anything with and for him right now …

All of a sudden, Thomas pulled away.

„Jimmy..." he gasped, turning away from him.

„This isn't right, we have to stop! You're using me...and I'm using you. It's leading nowhere and I really can't take any more bloody heartache, believe me!"

He slowly shook his head in the dim light, looking so fragile, it scared Jimmy.

„I didn't mean to..."

„I know!" Thomas held his hand in the air to shut Jimmy up.

„I know you didn't mean to, and I know you don't understand what it's like to feel the way I do about you, that it's killing me, I just can't ...do_ that _with you on a whim. I can't."

„On a whim?!" Jimmy snorted.

„Look, I don't want to tell you to leave again, but I think it'd be best if you go to bed and sleep it off.

Tomorrow you will feel so silly and ahsamed. I hope, you can still look me in the eye ..."

„How could I ever resist looking at you?...Good night, Thomas!" he answered softly, then left without looking back. The door closed.

„Good night, James" he sighed, burying his head in his hands – it seemed almost impossible that

he was going to have any sleep that night … so he opened the book Jimmy had just given back – and a little note fell in his hands...

* * *

_Thomas _

_I do forgive you._

_But I cannot forget what you said because I don't want to._

_Parts of it were just too beautiful …_


	3. Chapter 3

If you don't like slash, close your eyes NOW! :0)

* * *

Jimmy was a mess all day - there was only Thomas on his mind. He still felt his lips on his when polishing the silver, his eyes stared at him while he was serving dinner … and he was sure he could even feel his breath on his face at the servants dinner table - the under-butler, that was for sure, had bewitched his body and soul...

_Tonight..._ Jimmy thought... _I need to go and see him tonight. Tell him what I feel, show him, that it's not just a game for me...or a passing fancy._

* * *

After making sure everbody had gone to bed, Jimmy went to Thomas' room again.

Knocking, but not waiting for an answer, he slowly creeped in and - intuitively locked the door.

„James.. " Thomas stood at the window, his silhouette poorly visible in the pale moonlight.

When he heard the door lock, he knew it was Jimmy - and his heart was pounding like mad.

Jimmy stayed in the middle of the dark room for a moment, silently watching the other man who still hadn't turned around.

Very slowly, he walked over to stand behind him.

„James, I wanted to ask you something..."

„Go on then.." Jimmy took a step closer, almost touching Barrows back with his chest.

„The note you left me...did you write it … _after _you had ...erm...your drink – or before?"

„I didn't..." he answered, gently entwining his fingers with Thomas' - who was instantly tensing up from the sudden contact.

„What do you mean..." he hemed „you didn't write it?!"

„I didn't drink anything!" He took Barrows hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles.

„James...what.." Thomas closed his eyes and sighed.

„I just took up your idea actually. It was the perfect possibility for me to back out of everything...if I had wanted to."

„But then ….you didn't !?" Thomas wasn't sure if this was a question or a statement.

„No." Jimmy started kissing the under-butlers neck, softly prodding his warm, slightly sweaty skin with his tongue.

„I wanted to jump right in... Thomas, please!"

„Please … what?" Barrow shivered slightly at the sound of his first name.

„Look at me! I wanted to ask you something too..."

Thomas slowly turned around, staring into the young footmans shining eyes.

_I'd do anything for you, if you look at me like that … my god Jimmy, if you only knew ..._

„Would you like to turn back time – if you could? I mean do you wish you'd never kissed me...in my sleep? That you'd never shown me your feelings..?!"

Thomas frowned. What was he supposed to say? That incident nearly destroyed his life...and he was still suffering from heartbreak...

„Jimmy, I don't know what to say!? It was just horrible back then...but after all, _now_ you're here, aren't you? Though I still don't understand what changed your mind - I mean why _are _you here Jimmy - why?"

„Because of all there's between us..." he whispered.

Thomas' eyes widened at those words, he remembered so painfully …

„Jimmy...what are you saying?!" He brushed back his dark hair with his hand, looking absolutely flustered.

„Mr. Barrow, would you mind kissing me in my sleep...again? Show me what would have happened, if I didn't...if Alfred hadn't come in?!" Jimmy murmured in Thomas' ear.

The next thing Barrow saw was Jimmy lying down on his bed, eyes closed.

Thomas couldn't help smirking. This boy was so gorgeous, no way he could ever stop loving him.

He sat down beside Jimmy, staring at him – his face relaxed, the blond hair a little rumpled and his lips...oh these lips. How many times had Thomas dreamt about kissing and licking those perfect lips...and now Jimmy was waiting for him.

All of a sudden, Thomas was feeling unconfident and bashful, although he was the one with experience.

He slowly bent down, like he'd done that night so long ago, and melted their lips together, softly, trying to put all of his feelings for this young man in his kiss.

Realising that Jimmy actually started to kiss him back, tenderly at first, then with more passion and desire, was so overwhelming, Thomas could have cried out loud. This was it! It'd never felt better than this...

Thomas' tongue was now delving deeply in Jimmys mouth, making him moan lustfully.

He let his hands slip under the footmans shirt, caressing his chest and gently brushing his nipples.

„Ooh, Thomas ... don't stop!" Jimmy gasped. He sat up, removing his own shirt and continued kissing the other man whilst his fingertips ran along his neck, down his back.

„I want to feel you, Thomas. Take that off.." he pulled at the fabric of his shirt..

" _everything_. Please!"

„God Jimmy..." Thomas moaned but did as he was told. Clothes were flying to the floor.

Seeing Thomas naked in the dusky light, the blurred outlines of his toned body, and hearing him breathe hard drove Jimmy over the edge.

Beeing totally aware of his own aching hardness, he looked down at Thomas' crotch and gasped in anticipation – he took Barrows hard throbbing erection in his hand, eagerly stroking and pumping while kissing the under-butler in wild ecstasy – sucking and licking at him, down his chest, only stopping to gently bite his nipples.

Thomas moaned with pleasure, his head straining back – the feeling of Jimmys firm grip on his cock was unbelievable and when he suddenly noticed another hand grabbing and kneading his buttocks, he knew he couldn't last much longer.

„Jimmy … oh god!" he groaned..."I can't ...I..." he digged his fingers in Jimmys shoulderblades and exploded all over his hand and stomach.

„Thomas" the footman whispered in his ear, still touching him... „Thomas ..."

„Oh god Jimmy, that was..just...absolutely stunning!" Thomas gazed at him, still shuddering a bit.

„You sure, you've never done that before? Must be a god-given talent then!" he grinned.

„I've never touched anyone like that. And no one has ever..." Jimmy bit his lip.

„Touched you?" Barrow finished.

„Yeah..." Jimmy closed his eyes, being a little embarrassed about not having any sexual experience.

„And would you like me to be your first..." Barrow murmured in his ear.

„Because I _really _want you to come, Jimmy Kent, I do!" With a little smirk, he started tracing his tongue along Jimmys jaw line ...


	4. Chapter 4

„But let me get a towel first..." he winked at him.

After cleaning up the mess, Thomas sat down and watched Jimmy - he could see a spot of fear in his eyes, but there was lust and eagerness as well.

„So Mr. Kent...what would you like me to do?" He leant over Jimmy, his fingertips softly running down his chest, leaving a trace of desire. The young man sighed in response.

„I don't know anything about these things men do - just be gentle with me Thomas. I do trust you though...just show me how you ...make love."

His breath quickened when he looked into Thomas' eyes to see the various erotic pleasures he could obviously offer him.

Thomas smiled at him – seeing this innocent young man waiting to be loved, to be touched...made his heart grow wide.

He let his fingertips stroll along Jimmys neck, then managed to kiss his earlobe gently.

„You like that?"

Jimmy moaned in response. He felt Thomas pull his face closer for a slow, yet wanton kiss – their tongues entwined, moving in an erotic dance.

When Barrow let his tongue slide downwards, the young man started gasping. He didn't know what was coming, but everything Thomas did to him felt so delicious and stimulating, it left him panting in despair.

„God, Thomas" he moaned ecstatically, feeling his tongue circling around his belly. Fingertips were teasing him just above his waistband.

„Please!" Jimmy rocked his hips back and forth, the sensation of Barrow licking and caressing him so close to his erection was bittersweet torture.

„PLEASE Thomas! Now!" His head was spinning, all he could feel and think of were Thomas' hands, lips, tongue... Barrow was occupying his body - and Jimmy was waiting for release so desperately.

„My my, I think we finally found something you _really_ like!" the older man snickered, slowly, very slowly pulling down Jimmys trousers to free his hard cock, which gave Thomas shudders.

„My god Jimmy, you look so .. tasty!" Thomas gasped eagerly at the sight of his steamy hardness he was now holding in his hand.

„Grab my head and lead it, if you want..." he whispered, taking Jimmy deep in his mouth with a moan of pleasure.

However, Jimmy wasn't prepared for _that. _

„Aah, Thomas! FUCK!" he exclaimed, throwing his head back and grasping the sheets hard.

„Ssshhhhh...if you're not turned on by the thought of Carson joining us in a minute, you better be quiet!" Thomas chuckled.

Jimmy felt Barrows tongue licking along his shaft, then softly prodding his head and flickering around the tip of his cock.

„My god, what...are..you ..DOING!"

Panting like mad, he couldn't help but take Thomas head and thrust into him, over and over again – it drove him right into a frenzy.

Barrow sucked him hungrily - the younger man's ecstasy and lack of self control turned him on so badly.

„I want you you to come Jimmy, now! Just let it go..." Barrow groaned.

Hearing those words, it only took a few last hard pushes into Thomas' hot moist mouth to send Jimmy to heaven - arching back and stifling a cry, he came hard – his hands still clutching Thomas' head.

Barrow willingly sucked in everything Jimmy offered him. An overwhelming sensation washed over his body.

_Jimmy, Jimmy, his Jimmy!_

Planting little kisses upwards the young mans body, Thomas finally faced his lover – he couldn't take his eyes off this beautiful boy who looked at him so fondly and thankful.

„Thomas, my god! What was that? How did you do that...I mean. It was just amazing! Is it always like that?" Jimmy let his hand run through Thomas' dishevelled hair, gazing at this wonderful man who'd just taken him to paradise.

„Jimmy?" Thomas tried to give him a serious look.

„What?" he answered in a sleepy voice, burying his head in the crook of Thomas' neck.

„I'm really glad, you _came,_ you know?!" Barrow snickered.

Jimmy nudged him with his elbow.

„Shut up you cheeky devil! I don't really know how I could fall for you so hard, you evil sod!" He kissed Thomas' head. „I guess you just put me under your dark magic spell … "

Softly tracing the young footmans facial features with his fingertips, Thomas Barrow realised something he never thought could be possible …

... he was falling in love with Jimmy Kent even more!

* * *

THE END ;0)


End file.
